How to Deal with Being Excluded From Family

This past weekend a second cousin of mine got married. Within hours of the event every single member of my family that was present started sharing photos from the event. I was not invited, which I understand, because I’m not particularly close with the person that got married. What bugged me was the fact that these people will scream “family needs to stay together” from the rooftops, but will only include the people that they like from the family. I am excluded from family.

This may sound like a bitter loner that is fighting to seek the attention of her family members, but I don’t think it is.

I am a young adult that just wants to learn from her family so that I can step into a new decade with knowledge of my roots.

It’s hard to do that when your own family doesn’t want you around.

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Excluded from Family: 2004 AD

I remember the days when my family would all gather for Christmas or birthdays.

Hell, we would all go to Abuela’s house every Sunday afternoon after church.

The days of all gathering together are so far gone.

The last time I remember all gathering together was the Christmas after Abuela passed away in 2004.

The only times I feel like I am invited to family gatherings is when someone passes away.

The last time I remember for sure being with family was when my uncle passed away 3 years ago.

It hurts every single time I see cousins my age post photos together from their various outings or a screenshot of their groupchat messages.

Feeling like a loner in my own family

I have always felt like a loner but I didn’t think that I’d ever feel like a loner or outcast in my own family.

It has gotten to the point that my own immediate family doesn’t want to include me in things.

They don’t support my blog in any type of capacity but will support someone else’s business when it is convenient or beneficial to them.

In fact, I recently put myself out there and shared my blog link in a family groupchat and not a single person even acknowledged my message. It was almost like it didn’t even happen.

excluded from family - man shutting the shade on another man

I was crushed. I realized that I was only important to my family when I was accomplishing something “worth value” to them. The last time being a college student at UCF.

I don’t yearn for my family’s approval.

I yearn for the feeling of family and togetherness that we once had and wishing people would stop putting themselves on a fucking pedestal and treat others with respect and compassion.

This is such a big thing missing in my family right now. This is why I am excluded from family. They don’t value the same things as I do.

Everything has become such a competition and I HATE IT.

I’m sick of the fake attitudes. If you have something to say to me, then fucking say it. Don’t be all passive aggressive with me because you feel some type of way. If I don’t know what’s bothering you, then how am I supposed to know?

What I learned by being excluded from family is….

This past year has taught me a lot about my family and the number one thing is that they don’t know how to talk to people.

Rather than calmly talk over an issue or problem, they prefer to talk to other people not directly involved with the problem and have them join their “side”.

To me this feels like they’re “drafting” people for their team like the NFL does every single year.

excluded from family - feelings of the family ganging up and forming "teams"

Why? Who knows? I thought families were already “teams”.

Beginnings of Exclusion

I have felt left out since I was a young child.

Mainly because I didn’t look like everyone else. I was a hairy child; inheriting that from my dad.

two children sitting on a white couch with gray accents
Little Jackie

It was easier for me to just stay by myself.

As I grew older, I wanted so badly to fit in.

I wanted to have the nicest Mary-Kate and Ashley and Limited Too clothes. Wanting to play the wife when we played “House.” But, I was never casted for that role.

I was always the single mom because I wasn’t pretty enough to be the wife or I didn’t have the right “look”. 

Being excluded from family can be damaging as a child into your adult life.

I feel like it was so hard for me to find and keep friends because I was always doing something to make myself fit in.

I would change my hair style or save my money to be able to buy the Hollister or Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirt or even put on wild and crazy makeup just so I stood out.

None of it worked. All of those friends ended up leaving and my family seemed to distance itself away from me.

7 Healthy Ways to Deal with Being Excluded from Family

Here are my 7 ways that I was able to cope with being excluded from family in a healthy way:

1. Acknowledge the situation and allow your emotions

It is so important to allow yourself to feel whatever feelings that are arising.

It has taken me nearly 26 years of allowing myself to feel these emotions. I would be so angry and sad about not being included.

This past weekend I really allowed myself to sit with those feelings and allowed myself to just feel them. I allowed myself to feel the suffering and then did something to trigger a relaxation response.

For me, that included meditating and reading a book that I’ve been enjoying (For those wondering, I’m currently reading, We’re Going to Need More Wine by Gabrielle Union and it is literally the best book ever! I relate to Gabrielle so much. 10/10 would recommend)

Allowing yourself to feel the emotions and then soothing yourself really is important because it prevents you from immediately lashing out and regretting it later.

2. Reach out to someone

excluded from family - two women talking to each other

Talk to a friend about how you feel.

Grab lunch with a colleague.

Reach out to people in a supportive community.

Don’t allow yourself to stay excluded.

If it is connection you desire, find it with someone you know will be supportive.

My mom and I were in constant communication all weekend because we were both feeling left out. We were able to comfort each other by proving an ear to listen and shoulder to cry on.

3. Calm negative self-talk

It’s normal to have major negative self-talk when you feel left out or rejected. Some of these phrases include, “Everyone is mad at me.”, “Everyone hates me.”, or “They intentionally excluded me.”

Don’t allow your fears to become the forefront of your thinking.

These fears will continue to contaminate your thoughts in every aspect of your life, if you allow them to take root now.

Try making 2 lists: one listing the evidence that supports your fear and another that lists the evidence that refutes the fear. You’d be surprised by how much fear your brain makes up on its own.

4. Shift your mindset

You just found out that your worst fears are in fact true, now what? Try reexamining what you value in relationships and ask yourself if your relationships reflect what’s important to you.

Seize our opportunity to shift your perspective and be grateful for what you learn from the rejection.

Fill in the blanks foe these two sentences and you’ll see just how much your perspective will change for the better.

“That’s great because _________________________“

“Thank you because ___________________________“

My examples for the wedding would be, “That’s great because I can focus my energy on people who are more worthy of it.” Or “Thank you because now I have the energy to devote to something or someone who truly matters to me.”

5. Strengthen your self-confidence

These can start with basic things such as sleeping well, eating well, and moving our bodies. It also works its way into bigger things such as saying affirmations such as:

  • My life and relationships are up to me.
  • I will get through this,
  • I am worthy of good things
  • My life is a miracle
  • I am worthy of love.

Saying these affirmations a few times a day with purpose will strangely start making those things appear into your life. The law of attraction is such a wonderful thing. You can check out how I was able to manifest $2,000 in 21 days here.

6. Approach the person

If you’re feeling left out often or the one situation that you’re dealing with is extremely painful, try having a one-on-one, face-to-face conversation with the person.

Be prepared going into the situation to not be accusatory or angry.

Do it in a calm situation.

Pointing the finger at them by saying things such as “you did this…” will not help the situation AT ALL.

Use calm language that will allow the other person to actually hear and understand you.

7. Remind yourself that the pain will subside

Rejection or exclusion feels really painful at first and with time you slowly started to feel better. You are so strong and have gone through it before. You can do it again! 

Excluded from Family: Reflections

I’m writing this now still as a hurt person, but also as one who accepts all of the pain from the past and has pushed forward to become a better version of me.

One who doesn’t seek the approval of others. One who does things that make her happy no matter the consequences.

I am so happy and proud of the person that I have grown into after enduring a lot of exclusion in her life.

For anyone that is feeling excluded from anything, know that you are not alone and that there are so many people that have gone through it and have come out stronger. If you connected with this post in any type of way or want to add anything to it, please feel free to leave a comment below. I’d love to connect with you.

What do you want to see next from Jackie of All Trades Blog? Let me know in the comments. ❤️

(16) Comments

  1. Girl, my dad’s side of the family is the same way. They’re always like family so important but they don’t mean all family they just mean the ones of their choosing. I’ve always kind of been the black sheep of the Family 2 and seems like my Aunt saying mean comments to me like saying I look like trash because I wore a floor-length denim skirt to a wedding shower broke up the family on more than one occasion. We actually gone years without seeing each other at one point. Luckily Facebook makes it so much easier for them to tell me how much they love me from afar without actually having to get together. We were not invited to Christmas this year or last year but two years ago we were invited for Christmas on top of four other invites and had such bad snow that we only made it to one. I got harassed for weeks about missing Christmas and how my cousin prepared food for us but it was a potluck Buffet line and they put meat in the salad so I wouldn’t have eaten anyhow. They forget im a vegetarian after 24 years! Its like they TRY to exclude me specifically. So i just let them. I can learn my roots online.

    1. Jackie Espada says:

      Ugh! I’m so sorry for you. You’re better off without them! It’s been ages since we had a family Christmas. Now it’s just an immediate family Christmas. It’s okay thought because I’ve realized who I want to spend my time with

  2. Zoraida says:

    Jackie, put all your frustrations in God hands. Human let us down, I know personally because we have the same questions. It hurts much more when It comes from close family and friends. Love you so much.

    1. Noor says:

      I’ve been super depressed, my mom and siblings have excluded me from everything. I have no one in my family that care to reach out to me since I moved to DC. I’ve been super heart broken, they are buying their new big home. I’m not apart of that…it just hurts to feel so excluded from their life, that they are better off without me in it. I noticed that I’m just a burden to them.

      I’m trying to be better, this has been happening all my life. My dad isn’t in the picture, so being the oldest child I took care of everyone. Now they don’t need me, and that shows. I’m very alone, I’m trying to see more to life…

  3. Zoraida says:

    Imagine how Jesus fell when his own family didn’t believe, and even mocked Him. He still gave his life for you and me, because of love.

  4. Some really great tips for coping. Thanks for sharing. Do sorry you are having issues with family.

    1. Jackie Espada says:

      Thank you so much for reading! It definitely is tough, but I’m finding a way to get by. I have such a great support system which makes it so much easier! ❤️

  5. This is a horrible feeling. But I would keep the people close to me that care the most about me and not worry about anyone else.

    1. Jackie Espada says:

      Thank you for reading and commenting! If I’ve learned anything from this experience it’s definitely that I should keep that I know care most about me super close.

    2. Leah says:

      Thank you for writing this…. I googled “when you are excluded from your family”… I’m
      Not the only one I can relate to all the comments written…. in the youngest by 10 and 8 years… I’ve lived in another state for 23 years… my mother was an alcoholic for at least 40 years…newly sober 12/2019… I’m definitely the lost child/scapegoat…. I started adult children of alcoholics meeting and it has really helped to connect with other people who value me…’s painful though. I have no family, I’ve never been married and have no kids…. however my “family” is rude and self absorbed so I guess I’m better off…

  6. Loretta Entwistle says:

    Are you bipolar because I know how you feel even though it took a long while for me to find the right MEDICATION that dont care if I’m okay are not and it truly hurts but I have my wonderful husband and CHILDREN thay love me without a DOUBT and that’s enough for me o but I can’t forget about my Lord JESUS CHRIST without a DOUBT in the whole wide world I know he loves me iam 60 years old and I started loosening my self when I had to bury my identical TWIN Babyboys I only had my sweet MOTHER to come and check on me. She was always there for me also

  7. Kristin says:

    Thank you for this article. It really helped to read that someone else had experienced this feeling. My family posted a picture of themselves with matching t-shirts on FB with no mention of me, my husband and our kids who live in another state and weren’t invited to the gathering. I’ve been feeling similar emotions to the ones you express and appreciate finding this post. Thank you again.

    1. Jackie Espada says:

      I’m so sorry that you are feeling that way. Sounds like you have a great husband and kids and you don’t need them. The pain is temporary and your true family will stay with you 💜

  8. Jane Doe says:

    Thank you so much for writing this! I am the outsider in my family- not my choice. Every dysfunctional family has a scapegoat, and I am the one.
    Growing up, my parents did nothing to shield me from the attacks of my older, jealous sister, Sadly, they seemed to encourage it. I was continually reminded that I was nothing because I was not the oldest, youngest, or a boy (of whom have the highest standing in our family.)
    I am the only one who truly follows Christ, and this has caused a major rift in my family. My mother’s narcissistic nature does not help; she is the helpless victim to my dad being a control freak (or that is what she tells everyone). My dad shows blatant favoritism to my older sister and my brothers, as does my mother. What is sad is that their children are treated as priorities as well while my children are second best to their grandparents.
    I do all I can to be positive, to seek people who truly know Christ and are living their lives for Him. God continues to bless myself and my family, and for this I am truly grateful regardless of the callous, rude way in which my bio family treats us.

  9. Tammi says:

    My 3 sisters all recently got together for my oldest sisters birthday. I had absolutely no clue and none of them thought to invite me .
    I am not sure why …
    I havent really been around anyone in the last 15 years and now I am going through a divorce .
    It has been one of the most stressful times in my life and you would think I would have them .
    I dont. .. I never have … I am the black sheep
    I dont fit into their box , I never have .

    Maybe it’s for the best . I feel like a outsider..

    1. Rose says:

      Hi tammi. I really can relate and Iam sitting here now wondering why they couldn’t even have asked me to come over for an hour to visit or share a hamburger??? No. It’s so hard. Do I continue on this way? Or do I just retreat and slowly disappear And just see what it would actually take for them to think of me in their plans. If I say something I end up sounding like a martyr and they will respond with how Iam always so busy etc…. iam obviously not too busy that I can’t swing by for an outdoor circle to chat with a side dish or two for an hour or two. Should I give them a taste of their own medicine and swing by their towns to visit a friend or whatever and not have time to see them? When we haven’t seen each other in 7 mo. I just don’t know what to do but I do know Iam done Done With feeling like a second thought.

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